Disecting

disclaimer: this post is all over the place

I NEVER was the kid who got excited to disect ANYTHING in science class. In fact in middle school I asked my mom to sign me out of disecting a cat in science class. I had heard that some of them even end up being pregnant and I could not even stomach the mere thought of it.
Well that was a random tangent,.. I had thrown out the title "disecting" only to explain why I hadn't blogged in a week.. and it was because I was disecting thoughts.. meanwhile I decided to tell you about dead animals. oy.
Some of the things I was disecting...

1) ALEX GRADUATED FROM LAW SCHOOL!!!! I know we all seem to know a lot of people who accomplish this. But, for some reason it felt special to me. It wasn't something "everyone does". That is how I have always felt about graduations... and people going wild for them.. IT WAS EXPECTED PEOPLE..
Like yes I had a High School grad party.. any excuse for a celebration.. BUT- duh, who doesn't? Same for college.. like yes it is great to be done and to feel you accomplished something, and heck those might just have been the best years of my life (HA! no but, really) but everyone does it, it is a social norm and expected of us..

BUT LAW SCHOOL!!!!!! felt different, felt prouder,...

2) The next thing to disect: my return to facebook and immediate deletion of what was almost a year without it. I found myself on my iPad on facebook the other night.. and I had told myself NO, NO, NO.. never go on outside of work. I was so dissapointed in myself I almost deactivated again. AND why did I upload all my pictures from my phone to it? I know I wanted to delete them from the phone.. but.. did they have to go to facebook instead of just a lost file on the computer? CURRENTLY DISECTING THIS THOUGHT.. now erasing the albums would be quite melo-dramatic.. but it sort of bugs me to have them up.. HAHAHAHA... oh the trials and tribulations, so many white girl problems to keep me up at night.

3) THIS BLOG. To turn it around and pour effort in... and make it something, or leave it a crazy mix of my thoughts and pictures. Keep it totally organic for my own simple veiwing pleasures and leave it a place to just post random stuff. OR...
try to make it streamlined, create a focus, clean it up, link to things, really make it a "BLOG".
Do I continue to judge those who create facades of their life and in return garner viewership and prestige.. simply by posting a good outfit, a spotting of a good outfit, and the wonderful activities in which we all engage... I COULD DO THAT, RIGHT?
but that is not me.. me is a mess. me is a bunch of random honesnt sloppy thoughts thrown all over this place, throwing up a picture here and there, an experience, an angry rant.. who cares if anyone reads it, this won't be my career path anyways, HOW MANY BLOGGERS ACTUALLY MAKE IT? but I could make it if I wanted to? that is the internal struggle.. to try to make this puppy an actual "GO" or laugh it off and continue my natural organic thoughts of "EW, that is not who I am". 

here is some background: for some odd reason I got roped into blogs last week. Endless hours spent perousing on blogs. Design blogs, lifestyle blogs, fashion blogs.. you name it, I was probably on it. Some of them blew my mind, do these 20 somethings really have this kind of dough to afford the houses they were showing and to have three children in beautiful clothing, and to take vacations to St. Barths? Here I thought I was priviledged. Then the devils advocate came out. PUMP THE BREAKS... what if I posted all the lovely, incredible, wonderful activities I partake in? What if everytime I went to one of those activities I put effort into my every move and outfit? What if I drove around LA taking pictures in great outfits and great scenary at great meals with great people!? AND ONLY POSTED THOSE EXPERIENCES...
HERE IS MY ANSWER TO THOSE WHAT IF'S...
then I would judge myself the way I judged the other "perfect" blogs...
THAT IS NOT REAL, IT CAN NOT FEEL GOOD, IT IS A FACADE.. give me something truthful, a feeling, a thought, a moment, a breakdown, the good- the bad- and- the ugly.. right?

I wanna relate to you, I wanna laugh with you, I wanna feel for you, I wanna envy you one day and pitty you the next.... that is what I want when I go to a blog...

But, that's what makes the world tick.. to each their own, and this is my own.. and though I may never be making the big bucks of this little guy- why should I want to?

now the new dream is.. the thought of a plus size blog? I go back and forth... hmmmm...... DISECTING!